Another Reason Why Breastfeeding in Public Shouldn't Be Frowned Upon: Because of Moms Like Me.

I was the first woman in my family to breastfeed.  I was not exposed to it before.  I never saw another woman nursing, not at home or in public.  I never had anyone share her nursing struggles or triumphs with me.  I am quite certain that in some point in my teenage years, I said the words, “If your child is old enough to walk up to you, they’re way too old to breastfeed! Ewww!”  The idea of breastfeeding at all was foreign to me; all of these formula commercials proclaimed that they offered basically the same thing, so I didn’t understand anyone’s reason for breastfeeding.  It was, you know, weird.

I took many Child Development courses my first year in college and eventually, my mind began to change.  I learned that breast milk is easier for a baby to digest, and it has exactly the right kind of nutrients that a baby needs.  I learned that it boosts their immune system and helps prevent diseases, ear aches, and bacterial infections.  Then I worked at a preschool center where many of the moms breastfed, and some were pretty open about it. Little by little, I was learning about all the benefits--for babies and moms.

When I found out I was pregnant in 2010, I knew immediately that I wanted to breastfeed. Suddenly people at work were talking to me about breast pumps and engorgement and leaking through their shirts and weaning—I was overwhelmed.  But determined.  And proud of my decision.  

initial experience

My breastfeeding experience started out on the wrong track, right in the hospital.  He wasn’t latching on right—was I doing it right?  Was it my fault?  I had no clue.  The nurses were giving me contradicting advice; I wasn’t sure who to listen to, so I tried everything.  Maneuvering Holden around was so awkward and difficult.  I remember hitting the call button many, many times; sometimes the nurses would come back in just to give me the same vague advice they already had, and one time I was ignored.

I was so emotional and overwhelmed with visitors (visitors that I felt uncomfortable breastfeeding in front of) that I burst into tears with a room full of people.  It was humiliating.  I have a very open family, but having my breasts out in front of everyone was so embarrassing.  I tried covering up with a little receiving blanket but I felt like I was smothering him under there. We had visitors coming and going a lot in those first few days, at the hospital and at home, and I just prayed that I wouldn’t have to feed Holden in front of anybody.

 too scared to nurse in public

 Fast forward a couple weeks later.  I can’t remember why I had to run errands while Clint was at work—it must’ve been something pretty important.  Holden had just eaten and it was going to be a really quick trip.  But I found myself at the back of the store with a cart full of perishables and a screaming, hungry baby.  I frantically bounced him in my arms and tried to soothe him with a pacifier, but it wasn’t going to happen.

And there was absolutely, positively, no way I was going to nurse in public.  Nope!  I was not prepared for people to gawk at me or even worse, confront me about it.  And I was definitely not going to feed him in a bathroom stall.  I ended my shopping trip abruptly and nursed him in backseat of the car.

Where I live, it's not common to see a woman breastfeeding in public.  I know they're out there--but not enough. I kept wishing that I lived on the coast where breastfeeding is a little more normalized. Hiding in my car or skipping errands all together took a toll my emotional health.  I had cabin fever.

giving up

We had more than our share of struggles with breastfeeding.  I was nursing constantly and not getting any sleep.  Breastfeeding was dictating our lives; we had to work our schedule around when Holden would be hungry.  Which was always.  It was like he was never getting enough, because some days I nursed literally every hour. I tried pumping, but that was another miserable failure. (And nobody told me you're not supposed to pump that early; I thought I was supposed to pump a few ounces at a time. Ha!) So since he couldn't eat from a bottle, nobody could give me a break and help watch him, not even Clint. I spent most of those first few weeks in the living room of my house, snuggling with my baby but losing confidence and the will to continue on each passing day.  I talked to a lactation consultant, which helped, but the positives were overshadowed by the negatives.  That free can of formula from the hospital was eventually too tempting to ignore.  Everybody was telling me to open it and use it so I wouldn't be miserable anymore.  So I did.  I gave up after less than a month.

I just gave up.

That will always be one of the biggest regrets of my life.  At first, I felt like a failure.  Then I was heartbroken that I would never experience it again. Because as hard as it was, it was also so sweet.  I would lie down beside him on the couch the same way I did when he nursed, and that close bond between us, while still there, was just... different.  And we had just as many struggles finding the right formula for him.

  

I keep asking myself... what if?

What if I had been around breastfeeding more growing up?

 What if everybody else was exposed to breastfeeding, too?  On a regular basis?  I wouldn't have been too embarrassed to nurse in public.

What if people who are "grossed out" by breastfeeding, who say things like "I don't want my kids to have to see that"  instead replaced those words with:  "Thank you for breastfeeding in front of my daughter.  That was a valuable learning experience for her."

What if all public places had a private, clean, and comfortable room for nervous moms like me to nurse in privately?  NOT a bathroom!

What if I had met with a lactation consultant before Holden was born, so she could tell me that I would feel like I was nursing 24/7? And that it was normal and it didn't mean he was starving?

What if the everybody was more knowledgeable about breastfeeding and understood the struggles that breastfeeding moms often go through?

 What if.

This is why I think breastfeeding in public needs to become more normalized.  When women breastfeed in public, they are giving new moms confidence.  They're showing impressionable young children--future parents--that this is natural and normal and not something that must be done in private. You should never have to feed your baby in the same room that people poop in because some uneducated person doesn't want to see some side boob. You should never have to smother your baby under a cover (that they will repeatedly attempt to remove, because who wants to eat with a cover over their head?!) because the sight of a baby eating might make somebody uncomfortable.  Mothers who are simply trying to do what's best for their babies (whether they are breastfeeding or formula feeding!) shouldn't be made to feel humiliated or ashamed about it. Ever.

My advice to new moms who are scared:

Find yourself a support group while you are still pregnant.  Online or in person.  Watch somebody breastfeed so you are more comfortable with the concept.  Watch YouTube videos if you have to.  Always remember that you are doing what's best for your baby, and that the opinions of the people around you don't matter; you are normalizing public breastfeeding for them, too, and maybe future generations will have even more breastfed babies.