shut up, inner voice

When I was in the fourth grade, I had to write a little one-page handwritten essay about what I wanted to be when I grew up. Everybody else picked these really badass career choices like basketball player, astronaut, ballerina, singer, actor. I was the only nerd in the class who said I wanted to be an author. My classmates exchanged these confused glances with one another and tried to stifle their giggles. My teacher asked me what kind of books I wanted to write, and because I was a total whackjob I said I wanted to write about twins.

(At the time, I was obsessed with twins. I even told one of the neighbor kids I had a twin who died. I would go on to tell this same lie in the 8th grade when I moved to a new school. I was weird like that.) 

This little dream of mine--to be a published writer--never fully went away. I started writing a book my senior year of high school one day in 2005 and worked on it off and on until 2013. Last year I finally put that book idea to rest. (It was terrible.) Those characters were so ingrained in my mind that it was difficult to let them go. I almost feel like they're real people who exist somewhere, waiting for me to write the next chapter of their lives. Total Stranger Than Fiction feeling going on over here. 

Sometime in 2009, I started taking notice that the pictures I was taking on my little point & shoot camera were kind of, well, good. Eventually one of my friends told me: "You should be doing this as more than a hobby." That notion caught me completely off guard--could I do this for real? Could I actually be good at photography? And for the next five years, I completely threw myself into the photography world, soaking up every little bit of knowledge I could. Getting a DSLR. Taking online courses. Buddying up with other local photographers. Opening my own business. Winning the photography contest at the Spirit of the Vincennes Rendezvous.

I lived and breathed photography for five years.

And I started writing a lot less.

I also stopped reading fiction. Barnes & Noble has always been a regular "date" spot for my husband Clint and me, and now that we have a son, we're there even more often. I noticed in the past few years that my interest transitioned from fiction to solely non-fiction photography books. Photography was all I cared about. Photography, photography, photography. 

In 2013, when I realized that my photography business was draining my bank account, putting a strain on my marriage, and kind of making me hate myself a little more each passing day, I closed up shop and got a job working in retail.

Without all the stress that being a business owner involved, I feel like my old self is creeping back in a little more all the time--the girl who loved to read and write 24/7. The girl who had well-rounded interests and hobbies. The girl who watched strangers just to get ideas for stories.

Storytelling has always been my "thing", even if it meant that I put my writing on halt for a few years and did it with photographs instead.

Years ago, when I would tell people that I was writing a book, it was almost a whisper--like they wouldn't believe me. I didn't want them to ask what it was about. I didn't want to talk about it. Have you met me? Sometimes when I try to speak, it's like my mouth just can't form the words and there's total word vomit. I'm probably the last person people would expect to go home and write down 2,000 words instead of sleeping.

And who in their right mind would take this girl seriously? One day she has a photography business, and the next she's saying she wants to be a writer. This is what the inner voice in my head has been saying lately. It was different with photography, because my pictures were out there for everyone to see--it was easy to feel confident when a single image would obtain over a hundred likes.  There are no "likes" in writing. But there's things like 1-star Amazon reviews that can break a person's spirit. Eeep. Am I ready for that?

I have NEVER been confident about my writing. I've never liked sharing it with others;  I've always felt pretty awkward talking openly about it. But something's different this time. I don't know if it's because I'm becoming more a self-actualized individual as I climb that slope towards thirty, or if it's because I'm finally writing something that other people might actually enjoy reading. But I do know that I'm extremely excited about it this time and I can't wait to share it with the world. I don't need any validation. I'm doing this because I want to and because I need to.  I'm taking notes from my current protagonist and pushing that inner voice out of the way to say:

My name is Katie.

I'm writing a young adult novel.

It's a love story.

It basically kicks ass.

(Even though it's not about twins.)

And you're all going to love it maybe.